Yeah, that's right.

Yes, the long awaited GI Joe movie has finally come out. With a mix of new faces and well-known ones, it has it’s share of a good cast. It has enough explosions to make Michael Bay blush. It has more puns then a bad b-movie. For our lazy readers, let me sum it up into a few three word phrases: Ripcord and Scarlet. Lots of boom. HOLY CRAP ACTION! And the most important one, WASTE OF TIME.

Let me just say this right off the bat: GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is worse then Transformers: Rise of the Fallen. This in turn has made me decide I shall never watch another movie with “Rise of *blank*” in the title. I got home from this movie and I was actually ashamed I wasted two hours on it.

Okay, let me explain what little plot there is. I could get all descriptive, but let me tell it to you how the movie tries to:

1: Random French guy gets tortured. Makes his many sons become bitter arms dealers.
2: Big army men transport current bitter arms dealer’s new weapon.
3: Big army men get intercepted by many guys in armor and Sienna Miller in a tight-ass spandex/leather suit.
4: Bigger non-army men and redhead come and get weapon back.
5: Big army men want to join bigger non-army men and redhead’s unit.
6: Training montage set to “Bang A Gong”. Yeah.
7: Action. Explosions.
8: Cobra rises.
9: End of movie.

Yeah. As you can tell, the main focal points of the movie are “Action” and “Sienna Miller’s Boobs”. That might be good enough for the horny 12-year-olds of today or just anyone looking for entertainment, but if you are actually looking for a good movie, you must avoid this at all costs.

Am I getting across how bad this movie is yet? I’m not? Well, let me try to explain it again. Try putting your hand on a hot stove, headphones playing a super-high-pitched, ear-bleeding test sound on your ears with supposedly “witty” banter cutting in every now and then, and your feet on a bed of hungry piranhas. Then try to eat a lead pipe while staring at a picture of boobs and an explosion drawn by a 5-year-old. You would have more fun then you would have with this movie. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if the script was by a 5-year-old…

If you want to be mindlessly entertained without having to worry about anything but explosions and boobs, this is the movie for you. If you want even the littlest bit of intelligence, you will not like this movie. I hate myself for wasting the money and time to see this when I could just have jacked-off to the trailer and had more fun.

Oh, and I thought Sienna Miller was super hot in this movie.

GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra gets a 1 out of 5.