It all starts when Dave Lizewiski, an average, comic-loving teen, wonders why no one has ever tried to be a superhero. Even after being told that it’s a stupid idea by his pals, he buys a scuba suit and adopts the superhero name of “Kick-Ass”. He meets his first challenge when he runs into a pair of thugs (who usually mug him and his friend) trying to steal a car. After running into an alley to get changed into his superhero gear, he comes back out to stop them, only to get beaten, stabbed, and hit by a car. He begs the paramedics who bring him to the hospital not to talk about the costume and he pretends he was brought in naked, which sparks a rumor in Dave’s school that he’s gay. This in turn opens a door for him to become best friends with his long-time crush, Katie Deauxma, and he takes this chance, having to act like he’s homosexual every time he’s around her. But, he still tries to be a superhero, and after a video of him appears on Youtube of him saving a guy’s life, he becomes internationally known… but gets involved in something bigger than he expected. (DUN-DUN-DUN!)

Now, I’ll just say this now, hardcore fans of the comic will be partially disappointed. It’s a comedy (which the comic was not), the character of Katie is a lot nicer (she’s an asshole in comic), and the twist of the comics is a lot less of a twist in the movie, it’s pretty much given to you on a silver platter. But, that’s not to say you won’t enjoy it.

If you didn’t read the comics, you will either completely love or utterly hate this movie. It’s full of over-the-top violence, endless profanity (a lot coming from the 11-year-old Hit-Girl, who controversially states “Okay you cunts, let’s see what you can do now”, among other things.) , and a lot more intensity than you would expect from a normal superhero movie. If you are going into this thinking you will be watching a Spider-Man-esque movie, you are going in with the wrong mindset.

This is not a movie you can enjoy with a normal mind. *SPOILER* When you have an 11-year almost get beat to death by the bad guy from Sherlock Holmes, it’s not an everyday movie. *SPOILER DONE* But anyone who says that it’s wrong or says that this movie is “politically incorrect” and says it’s a bad movie because of that, they can go fuck themselves. This movie isn’t meant to be easy to swallow. There is very brutal murdering, intense torture scenes, and, as stated before, an 11-year-old swearing almost every other word. Anyone who says that it’s bad for being too inappropriate is missing the point.  It IS rated R.

To wrap this all up, Kick-Ass is one of the funniest, action-packed, intense movies I have seen in a while. Sadly, I didn’t read much of the comic, so I wouldn’t know personally how it compares, but as a stand-alone movie, it’s going to be sticking in my mind for one of the most enjoyable movies of 2010. Chloë Grace Moretz, who plays Hit-Girl, inadvertently steals the whole movie and, believe it or not, Nicholas Cage actually does a good job! Plus, the The Prodigy heavy soundtrack really tickled my music-lover fancy.

Kick-Ass gets a 5 out of 5.

Yes, the long awaited GI Joe movie has finally come out. With a mix of new faces and well-known ones, it has it’s share of a good cast. It has enough explosions to make Michael Bay blush. It has more puns then a bad b-movie. For our lazy readers, let me sum it up into a few three word phrases: Ripcord and Scarlet. Lots of boom. HOLY CRAP ACTION! And the most important one, WASTE OF TIME.

Let me just say this right off the bat: GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is worse then Transformers: Rise of the Fallen. This in turn has made me decide I shall never watch another movie with “Rise of *blank*” in the title. I got home from this movie and I was actually ashamed I wasted two hours on it.

Okay, let me explain what little plot there is. I could get all descriptive, but let me tell it to you how the movie tries to:

1: Random French guy gets tortured. Makes his many sons become bitter arms dealers.
2: Big army men transport current bitter arms dealer’s new weapon.
3: Big army men get intercepted by many guys in armor and Sienna Miller in a tight-ass spandex/leather suit.
4: Bigger non-army men and redhead come and get weapon back.
5: Big army men want to join bigger non-army men and redhead’s unit.
6: Training montage set to “Bang A Gong”. Yeah.
7: Action. Explosions.
8: Cobra rises.
9: End of movie.

Yeah. As you can tell, the main focal points of the movie are “Action” and “Sienna Miller’s Boobs”. That might be good enough for the horny 12-year-olds of today or just anyone looking for entertainment, but if you are actually looking for a good movie, you must avoid this at all costs.

Am I getting across how bad this movie is yet? I’m not? Well, let me try to explain it again. Try putting your hand on a hot stove, headphones playing a super-high-pitched, ear-bleeding test sound on your ears with supposedly “witty” banter cutting in every now and then, and your feet on a bed of hungry piranhas. Then try to eat a lead pipe while staring at a picture of boobs and an explosion drawn by a 5-year-old. You would have more fun then you would have with this movie. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if the script was by a 5-year-old…

If you want to be mindlessly entertained without having to worry about anything but explosions and boobs, this is the movie for you. If you want even the littlest bit of intelligence, you will not like this movie. I hate myself for wasting the money and time to see this when I could just have jacked-off to the trailer and had more fun.

Oh, and I thought Sienna Miller was super hot in this movie.

GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra gets a 1 out of 5.

Sad week, innit it? Ed, Farrah, MJ, and Billy. Dear ol’ Billy. The same Billy who tried to sell me OxiClean, and OrangeGlo. Maybe some Kaboom, while I’m at it. The one who never learned to speak quietly, yet no one was annoyed by his voice. It was so… Assuring. He was confirmed dead this morning, unresponsive. Coincidentally, he was on a plan yesterday that blew out tires when they landed. Odd, because he didn’t die there, he died when he got home…

Vince, beating hookers is kinda creepy, but this has gone too far.

On behalf of America Billy, I salute you. You were why I use OxiClean.