Cortini released 4 songs from his upcoming, self-titled album on his website for free, plus a bunch of pre-order packages. They are as little as the $8 digital album and pre-order exclusive demo/outtake EP, to the mega $200 “Geek Bundle”, including a homemade synthesizer made so you can mess around with the Sonoio sounds, a limited art print of the album cover signed by Cortini, a CD signed and numbered by Cortini, the digital album, the pre-order exclusive EP, and a pre-order exclusive t-shirt. Between those two, you have 7 different packages with different combinations of all of the offerings. If you don’t think that is choices, you need to read a dictionary.

But, of course, the main point of all this is the music. Even more so, is it worth spending $200 on? The answer to that is simple: yes. Just yes.

The four tracks released by Cortini on the website for free, “Just Me”, “Suck Up Everything”, “Not Worth Remembering” and “Silence”, are nothing short of addictive. All the songs on the album are made using only one synthesizer, Cortini’s voice, and some very few and scattered extras, so they all feel connected by sound. Some of the songs feel like electro-pop music you may hear on the radio in Europe, while others are ambient tracks with calm build-ups. All the songs are full of melody and get stuck in your head abnormally fast. You’ll be finding yourself snapping and singing along to the song randomly many hours after hearing the songs because they are just that catchy. Not catchy in a bad way though, like pop-radio. It’s catchy because it’s written well and it has that feel of accessibility without being something you’ve heard a hundred times before.

Plus, Mr. Cortini is an extremely nice guy, and I don’t know about you, but when a talented musician is nice, it makes me want to buy his music even more.

There isn’t much to report on this project as the album hasn’t even come out yet, but I am recommending this to anyone. At least download the 4 songs on his website for free, because you’ll be happy you did.

It all starts when Dave Lizewiski, an average, comic-loving teen, wonders why no one has ever tried to be a superhero. Even after being told that it’s a stupid idea by his pals, he buys a scuba suit and adopts the superhero name of “Kick-Ass”. He meets his first challenge when he runs into a pair of thugs (who usually mug him and his friend) trying to steal a car. After running into an alley to get changed into his superhero gear, he comes back out to stop them, only to get beaten, stabbed, and hit by a car. He begs the paramedics who bring him to the hospital not to talk about the costume and he pretends he was brought in naked, which sparks a rumor in Dave’s school that he’s gay. This in turn opens a door for him to become best friends with his long-time crush, Katie Deauxma, and he takes this chance, having to act like he’s homosexual every time he’s around her. But, he still tries to be a superhero, and after a video of him appears on Youtube of him saving a guy’s life, he becomes internationally known… but gets involved in something bigger than he expected. (DUN-DUN-DUN!)

Now, I’ll just say this now, hardcore fans of the comic will be partially disappointed. It’s a comedy (which the comic was not), the character of Katie is a lot nicer (she’s an asshole in comic), and the twist of the comics is a lot less of a twist in the movie, it’s pretty much given to you on a silver platter. But, that’s not to say you won’t enjoy it.

If you didn’t read the comics, you will either completely love or utterly hate this movie. It’s full of over-the-top violence, endless profanity (a lot coming from the 11-year-old Hit-Girl, who controversially states “Okay you cunts, let’s see what you can do now”, among other things.) , and a lot more intensity than you would expect from a normal superhero movie. If you are going into this thinking you will be watching a Spider-Man-esque movie, you are going in with the wrong mindset.

This is not a movie you can enjoy with a normal mind. *SPOILER* When you have an 11-year almost get beat to death by the bad guy from Sherlock Holmes, it’s not an everyday movie. *SPOILER DONE* But anyone who says that it’s wrong or says that this movie is “politically incorrect” and says it’s a bad movie because of that, they can go fuck themselves. This movie isn’t meant to be easy to swallow. There is very brutal murdering, intense torture scenes, and, as stated before, an 11-year-old swearing almost every other word. Anyone who says that it’s bad for being too inappropriate is missing the point.  It IS rated R.

To wrap this all up, Kick-Ass is one of the funniest, action-packed, intense movies I have seen in a while. Sadly, I didn’t read much of the comic, so I wouldn’t know personally how it compares, but as a stand-alone movie, it’s going to be sticking in my mind for one of the most enjoyable movies of 2010. Chloë Grace Moretz, who plays Hit-Girl, inadvertently steals the whole movie and, believe it or not, Nicholas Cage actually does a good job! Plus, the The Prodigy heavy soundtrack really tickled my music-lover fancy.

Kick-Ass gets a 5 out of 5.

Okay… so… here it is. The ultimate (not to brag) version of “The Fragile”. With all of the b-sides, a remix (or two), the cassette only tracks and the vinyl only tracks. All with new fade-in’s and fade-out’s for a complete and flowing experience.

Part I:

1: How It All Begins (The New Flesh Remix)
2: Somewhat Damaged
3: The Day The World Went Away
4: The Frail
5: The Wretched
6: We’re In This Together
7: The Fragile
8: Just Like You Imagined
9: The Persistence Of Loss
10: Even Deeper
11: Pilgrimage
12: No, You Don’t
13: La Mer
14: The Great Below
15: The Way Out Is Through
16: Into The Void
17: Where Is Everybody?

Part II:

1: And All That Could Have Been
2: The Mark Has Been Made
3: 10 Miles High
4: Slipping Away
5: The Great Collapse
6: Please
7: Appendage
8: Adrift And At Peace
9: Starfuckers, Inc.
10: Complication
11: The New Flesh
12: I’m Looking Foward To Joining You, Finally
13: The Big Come Down
14: Underneath It All
15: Gone, Still
16: Ripe (With Decay)
17: Leaving Hope

Part III – The Remixes:

1: Complications Of The Flesh
2: Where Is Everybody? (Danny Lohner Featuring Telefon Tel Aviv)
3: Starfuckers Inc. (Charlie Clouser)
4: La Mer (Jerome Dillion and Keith Hillebrandt)
5: Even Deeper (Telefon Tel Aviv)
6: The Becoming (Still)
7: Starfuckers, Inc. (Adrian Sherwood)
8: The Day The World Went Away (Still)
9: 10 Miles High (Keith Hillebrandt) + Untitled Appendage
10: Deep (Single Version)
11: The Wretched (Keith Hillebrandt)
12: The Fragile (Keith Hillebrandt)
13: No, You Don’t (Keith Hillebrandt)
14: The Day The World Went Away (Porter Ricks)
15: The Day The World Went Away (Trent Reznor)
16: The Frail (Benelli)

Part IV – Live:

1: The New Flesh + Pinion (Live From The Fragility Tour)
2: The Way Out Is Through (Live From The Fragility Tour)
3: Even Deeper (Live From The Fragility Tour)
4: Just Like You Imagined (Live At Fragility Tour Rehersals)
5: The Day The World Went Away (Live From The Fragility Tour)
6: Please (Live From The Fragility Tour)
7: Deep (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehearsals)
8: The Big Come Down (Live From The With Teeth Tour)
9: Somewhat Damaged (Live From The Fragility Tour)
10: No, You Don’t (Live From The Fragility Tour)
11: Into The Void (Live From The Fragility Tour)
12: The Day The World Went Away (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehersals)
13: The Frail (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehersals)
14: The Wretched (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehersals)
15: The Day The World Went Away (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)
16: The Big Come Down (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)
17: The Fragile (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)

Part V – The Ones Left Behind:

1: Something I Can Never Have (Still)
2: We’re In This Together (Radio Edit)
3: Metal
4: The Great Collapse/The Frail (Benelli)/Slipping Away/The Wretched (Keith Hillebrandt)(Things Falling Apart Trailer Mash Up)
5: The New Flesh (Deconstructed Mix)
6: The Frail + The Wretched (Extended Vinyl Mix)
7: La Mer (Extended Vinyl Mix)
8: Even Deeper (Extended Vinyl Mix)
9: The Day The World Went Away (Extended Vinyl Mix)
10: I’m Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally (Barely Extended Vinyl Mix)
11: Ripe (Alternate Non-CD Mix)
12: The Mark Has Been Made (Alternate Vinyl Mix)
13: The Day The World Went Away/We’re In This Together/Starfuckers, Inc. (German Album Promo Mash-Up)
14: The Day The World Went Away (Alternate Single Version)
15: Even Deeper (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)
16: Starfuckers, Inc. (Extended Single Version)
17: The Fragile (Still)

Videos:

Behind The Scenes:

The Live Video “And All That Could Have Been”
The Rare “And All That Could Have Been” TV Special
The Entire “Into The Void” Music Video “Red Room Take”
Behind The Scenes Of The “Starfuckers, Inc.” Music Video
Unused Band Shots From The “Starfuckers, Inc.” Music Video
A Short Behind The Scenes Video From The “We’re In This Together” Music Video

Bonus Videos:

The “And All That Could Have Been” Teaser Trailer
A Full Press Conference With Trent Reznor Explaining “The Fragile” And The “Fragility Tour”
The “The Fragile” TV Ad

Live Videos:

“Gone, Still” Preformed Live From Trent Reznor’s House
“Just Like You Imagined” Preformed Live From The “Fragility Tour” Rehearsals
“No, You Don’t” Preformed Live From Big Day Out 2000
“Somewhat Damaged” Preformed Live From The “Fragility Tour”
“The Fragile” Preformed Live At The MTV Awards 1999
“The Way Out Is Through” Preformed Live From The “Fragility Tour”
“We’re In This Together” + “The Frail” Preformed Live At A Secret Location

Music Videos:

The Original “Into The Void” Music Video
The Alternate Walter Stern Edit Of The “Into The Void” Music Video
The “Starsuckers, Inc.” Music Video
The Rare And Un-Released “The Day The World Went Away” Music Video
The Full 8 Minute Alternate Cut Of The “We’re In This Together” Music Video

The new OS scraps all the crap from previous OS’s, and old Windows Mobile apps are not compatible with WP7S.  They started from a blank slate, every thing is brand NEW. With a sexy and completely redesigned interface, it comes with Zune and X-Box LIVE integration, and cloud based Office 2010. It resembles the Zune HD interface, but that’s better than *gasp* Windows Mobile 6.5.

Microsoft also has everything locked down, in a good way. Before, Microsoft gave phone makers a software kit, and the phone makers did whatever. Now, Microsoft is dictating everything. They’re going to be picky on who makes WP7S phones, and all phones must have a capacitive screen, a “Bing” button, a FM radio, etc. This promises robust and competitive phones. All skins for OS’s, such as HTC SENSE, are banned, and the phone makers really only decide the shape and the optional keyboard.

Carrier partnerships are far and wide, including AT&T, Deutsche Telekom AG, Orange, SFR, Sprint, Telecom Italia, Telefónica, Telstra, T-Mobile USA, Verizon Wireless and Vodafone, while hardware partners include Dell, Garmin-Asus, HTC, HP, LG, Samsung, Sony Ericsson, Toshiba and Qualcomm. We’re told that we likely won’t get to see any third-party devices at MWC, though Microsoft is showing off dev units of unknown origin.

For more info check out this links:

Gizmodo

Engadget

This is not their worst album. At all. Liberation Transmission was their worst (and it was still better than most music out right now). But, this is not their best. At all. The album starts with a shortish intro song that has marching band-like snare rides and choruses with actual choruses singing. It gears you up for something epic… but it just doesn’t happen. After the first 3 songs (which are pretty decent, a lot different from the Liberation tracks and more like the original albums, but sound like imitations other than just sounding like them), we get treated to “Where We Belong”. It’s just a nosedive after that. “Next Stop Atro City” is a pretty hard rock track that isn’t too poppy, but after that, it’s just Liberation Transmission all over again. The ending track is similar to “Sway” from Start Something, as they both end the album with an extended instrumental, except this one’s is a hidden track that is stretched out way longer than it should be. (P.S. I reviewed the Korean edition, which has about 3 extra tracks in the middle of the album and this hidden track. All other versions do not have a hidden track.)

When I first started listening to the album, I’ll tell you, I had hope. Lostprophets is one of my favorite bands and I was just wishing that they would go back to their old grind. The only problem is this: The Betrayed attempts to do go back to the Start Something and Thefakesoundofprogress days for a little bit and then gives up. Even the times it tries, it sounds like the Liberation Transmission era Lostprophets are trying to imitate themselves instead of just BEING their old selves. Plus, as I listened to the Korean edition, it was 3 tracks longer and I felt that it stretched on too long. So, I suggest just picking up the US or UK version.

I’m just a really big Lostprophets fan who loved their first two albums more than most albums. That’s how I see them. If you don’t know this band or even if you have some knowledge about them, I highly suggest you pick this up. It’s an easy to swallow album that is poppy with a hard rock edge. It’s not bad, it’s just not the Lostprophets I know and love.

The Betrayed gets a 3 out of 5.

Zack’s Top 10 Predictions for 2010:

#10: Sequel to “smash-hit” 2012, “2012: Oh Look, The World DIDN’T Actually End!”, begins filming.

#9. Justin Bieber will finally reveal that he is gay and that all his love songs were about the times his daddy raped him.

#8. Aliens will finally make contact with humans in the form of a message: “Dear Earth: Your depictions of us are completely wrong. I mean, little green men? Really? But you did get one thing right… we COULD actually destroy your planet whenever we want to. We are just kind. Love, Aliens.”

#7. School will finally be announced as legal child torture. Nothing will change.

#6. The first brain phone will be made. To accept a call, you have to smack your ear, which results in you hearing in the only ear that the call doesn’t come out of. So, in other words, phones will still suck.

#5. McDonalds finally admits that the Big Mac is make from the flesh of former employees. Sales are unaffected.

#4. Dracula will fucking kill Edward Cullen brutally.

#3. Gerard Way will drop a bombshell by saying he isn’t gay, but that the lead singer of R.E.M. is. Will be proven to be correct.

#2. People will realize that most of the music, movies and books they enjoy are horrible. Nothing will be done.

#1. John Lennon is going to come out of the grave and join forces with Paul McCartney to fight Zombie Michael Jackson for the rights to the The Beatles songs.

Don’t call them a side-project because no one in the band would agree. You could call them a supergroup if you want to, but they wouldn’t really agree with that either. Josh Homme (singer/guitarist) of Queens Of The Stone Age and Eagles Of Death Metal fame, Dave Grohl (drummer) from Foo Fighters and the almighty Nirvana, and John Paul Jones (bassist) from the legendary Led Zeppelin see their newly formed band, oddly titled “Them Crooked Vultures”, as a bunch of friends (both new and old) just jamming. You would think that this would go decently well, as Dave and Josh have worked together before on the Queens Of The Stone Age album “Songs For The Deaf” and with Josh providing one guitar part on the Foo Fighters album “In Your Honor”, but it goes WAY more then decently well. It goes “Best Album Of The Year” well.

No one really knew of the band until 3 months ago, but it was talked about before. Dave Grohl said in a 2005 interview that “The next project that I’m trying to initiate involves me on drums, Josh Homme on guitar, and John Paul Jones playing bass. That’s the next album. That wouldn’t suck.” Then Josh Homme’s wife later commented on the band. But for the next few years, no one said anything. Everyone was wondering what happened with the band. Then, out of nowhere, in August of ‘09, Them Crooked Vultures played their first ever live show in Chicago. Everyone was buzzing about the band, so they wanted to finally put the buzzing to rest and just say “Here we are.”. So, now that you are filled in, let’s talk about this mind-blowingly amazing album.

The album starts out with the usual concert closer song “No One Loves Me & Neither Do I”. This 5 minute opening song is one of the best if not THE best song on the album. The ending is one of the greatest in any song made before it and all three of the members are strutting their stuff here. It has Josh with his frantic guitar fills, John with his just as frantic bass fills, or Dave with his unmatched drumming (especially at the end). The best part is that this is just a preview for what’s going to be the entire album. But don’t expect it to get any heavier than this song.

As we continue throughout the album, we finally can create genre a for this band: Rockish-jazzish-bluesish-danceish-oddish jam music. We have rock on songs like “No One Loves Me & Neither Do I” and “Mind Eraser, No Chaser”, we have jazzishness on songs like “New Fang” and “Caligulove”, we have bluesishness on the aptly titled “Scumbag Blues” and “Bandoliers”, we have danceishness on “Gunman” and “Dead End Friends” and oddishness on the song “Interlude With Ludes”. I could go on with how diverse this album is, but I think that just explained it.

By the time you finish listening to this album, you have to sit down and think about what you just listened to. It’s all over the place with 5 different genres mixed in one 13 track CD. Not to mention there are two songs which almost reach the 8 minute mark and one that meets the 7 minute mark, which is where the jamming element of it all comes in. But once you start to comprehend what just exploded your mind, you realize that your mind hasn’t exploded for anything better in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

This year has had it’s fair-share of releases. With Paramore’s album, which finally gave us the maturity we have always wanted out of them, “brand new eyes” and Rammstein’s album, which completely made up for how bad “Rosenrot” was, “Liebe Ist Für Alle Da”, I was pretty sure it was going to be a tough choice between those two for album of the year. (Yeah, I did just say that.) But out comes “Them Crooked Vultures” and the choice became so much easier. If you pick up only one album this year, make it “Them Crooked Vultures”. And makes sure it’s on vinyl. It’s better on vinyl… trust me.

“Them Crooked Vultures” gets a very well deserved 5 out of 5.

…is all this scaring you? Living in the present with machine guns and nukes? Do you want to re-live the good ol’ days of 1999 with Pwnage Pickle and Nine Inch Nails?

Well, then do we have a giant surprise for you!

IT’S “THE FRAGILE (COMPLETE)”! For REALZ this time! And it’s updated with even MORE stuff! It’s not just a tiny bit more complete version of “The Fragile” anymore… it’s a collection of the ENTIRE “THE FRAGILE ERA”. Hell yeah, right?

Us here at Pwnage Pickle have been slaving over a hot keyboard with our headphones blaring “The Big Come Down” and “Just Like You Imagined” for months now working on this for you and we are SO excited to be able to share it with you finally!

Anyway, enough talky, time for info!

It includes every possible video and song from the “The Fragile Era” all in one neat package. With over 6 hours of music and over 3 hours of videos, it’s pretty “complete”.

Song Tracklist:

Part I:

1: How It All Begins (The New Flesh Remix)
2: Somewhat Damaged
3: The Day The World Went Away
4: The Frail
5: The Wretched
6: We’re In This Together
7: The Fragile
8: Just Like You Imagined
9: The Persistence Of Loss
10: Even Deeper
11: Pilgrimage
12: No, You Don’t
13: La Mer
14: The Great Below
15: The Way Out Is Through
16: Into The Void
17: Where Is Everybody?

Part II:

1: And All That Could Have Been
2: The Mark Has Been Made
3: 10 Miles High
4: Slipping Away
5: The Great Collapse
6: Please
7: Appendage
8: Adrift And At Peace
9: Starfuckers, Inc.
10: Complication
11: The New Flesh
12: I’m Looking Foward To Joining You, Finally
13: The Big Come Down
14: Underneath It All
15: Gone, Still
16: Ripe (With Decay)
17: Leaving Hope

Part III – The Remixes:

1: Complications Of The Flesh
2: Where Is Everybody? (Danny Lohner Featuring Telefon Tel Aviv)
3: Starfuckers Inc. (Charlie Clouser)
4: La Mer (Jerome Dillion and Keith Hillebrandt)
5: Even Deeper (Telefon Tel Aviv)
6: The Becoming (Still)
7: Starfuckers, Inc. (Adrian Sherwood)
8: The Day The World Went Away (Still)
9: 10 Miles High (Keith Hillebrandt) + Untitled Appendage
10: Deep (Single Version)
11: The Wretched (Keith Hillebrandt)
12: The Fragile (Keith Hillebrandt)
13: No, You Don’t (Keith Hillebrandt)
14: The Day The World Went Away (Porter Ricks)
15: The Day The World Went Away (Trent Reznor)
16: The Frail (Benelli)

Part IV – Live:

1: The New Flesh + Pinion (Live From The Fragility Tour)
2: The Way Out Is Through (Live From The Fragility Tour)
3: Even Deeper (Live From The Fragility Tour)
4: Just Like You Imagined (Live At Fragility Tour Rehearsals)
5: The Day The World Went Away (Live From The Fragility Tour)
6: Please (Live From The Fragility Tour)
7: Deep (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehearsals)
8: The Big Come Down (Live From The With Teeth Tour)
9: Somewhat Damaged (Live From The Fragility Tour)
10: No, You Don’t (Live From The Fragility Tour)
11: Into The Void (Live From The Fragility Tour)
12: The Day The World Went Away (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehearsals)
13: The Frail (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehearsals)
14: The Wretched (Live At With Teeth Tour Rehearsals)
15: The Day The World Went Away (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)
16: The Big Come Down (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)
17: The Fragile (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)

Part V – The Ones Left Behind:

1: Something I Can Never Have (Still)
2: We’re In This Together (Radio Edit)
3: Metal
4: The Great Collapse/The Frail (Benelli)/Slipping Away/The Wretched (Keith Hillebrandt)(Things Falling Apart Trailer Mash Up)
5: The New Flesh (Deconstructed Mix)
6: The Frail + The Wretched (Extended Vinyl Mix)
7: La Mer (Extended Vinyl Mix)
8: Even Deeper (Extended Vinyl Mix)
9: The Day The World Went Away (Extended Vinyl Mix)
10: I’m Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally (Barely Extended Vinyl Mix)
11: Ripe (Alternate Non-CD Mix)
12: The Mark Has Been Made (Alternate Vinyl Mix)
13: The Day The World Went Away/We’re In This Together/Starfuckers, Inc. (German Album Promo Mash-Up)
14: The Day The World Went Away (Alternate Single Version)
15: Even Deeper (Live From The Chicago Recording Company Sessions)
16: Starfuckers, Inc. (Extended Single Version)
17: The Fragile (Still)

Videos:

Behind The Scenes:

The Live Video “And All That Could Have Been”
The Rare “And All That Could Have Been” TV Special
The Entire “Into The Void” Music Video “Red Room Take”
Behind The Scenes Of The “Starfuckers, Inc.” Music Video
Unused Band Shots From The “Starfuckers, Inc.” Music Video
A Short Behind The Scenes Video From The “We’re In This Together” Music Video

Bonus Videos:

The “And All That Could Have Been” Teaser Trailer
A Full Press Conference With Trent Reznor Explaining “The Fragile” And The “Fragility Tour”
The “The Fragile” TV Ad

Live Videos:

“Gone, Still” Preformed Live From Trent Reznor’s House
“Just Like You Imagined” Preformed Live From The “Fragility Tour” Rehearsals
“No, You Don’t” Preformed Live From Big Day Out 2000
“Somewhat Damaged” Preformed Live From The “Fragility Tour”
“The Fragile” Preformed Live At The MTV Awards 1999
“The Way Out Is Through” Preformed Live From The “Fragility Tour”
“We’re In This Together” + “The Frail” Preformed Live At A Secret Location

Music Videos:

The Original “Into The Void” Music Video
The Alternate Walter Stern Edit Of The “Into The Void” Music Video
The “Starsuckers, Inc.” Music Video
The Rare And Un-Released “The Day The World Went Away” Music Video
The Full 8 Minute Alternate Cut Of The “We’re In This Together” Music Video

There you go. “The Fragile (Complete)” summed up.

You may be asking: “But where do I get this magical package?” We shall respond with: “Many places, you beautiful young person you!”

Since it’s a huge pack, it really is only able to be retrieved from torrent sites, so…

Here is the link to get it from The Pirate Bay.

The Pirate Bay link is currently unavailable. Sorry for the inconvenience. In the mean time… download it from here in .rar form.

We are working on getting it on Demonoid and Mininova, so you have options.

So… that’s it! Everyone here wishes “The Fragile” a happy 10th birthday and sincerely thank Trent Reznor for making such a masterpiece.

I have been thinking about it, and I am going to add even MORE to this boxset. It’s not just “The Fragile With B-Sides And Videos” anymore. It’s going to be a full out collection of the entire “The Fragile Era”. Now, this will take a while to get everything needed, but, as Trent Reznor would say, it will come out soon.

While you wait, why don’t you check out this trailer for it? It has even MORE info about the boxset… and it’s pretty cool itself.

Yes, the long awaited GI Joe movie has finally come out. With a mix of new faces and well-known ones, it has it’s share of a good cast. It has enough explosions to make Michael Bay blush. It has more puns then a bad b-movie. For our lazy readers, let me sum it up into a few three word phrases: Ripcord and Scarlet. Lots of boom. HOLY CRAP ACTION! And the most important one, WASTE OF TIME.

Let me just say this right off the bat: GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is worse then Transformers: Rise of the Fallen. This in turn has made me decide I shall never watch another movie with “Rise of *blank*” in the title. I got home from this movie and I was actually ashamed I wasted two hours on it.

Okay, let me explain what little plot there is. I could get all descriptive, but let me tell it to you how the movie tries to:

1: Random French guy gets tortured. Makes his many sons become bitter arms dealers.
2: Big army men transport current bitter arms dealer’s new weapon.
3: Big army men get intercepted by many guys in armor and Sienna Miller in a tight-ass spandex/leather suit.
4: Bigger non-army men and redhead come and get weapon back.
5: Big army men want to join bigger non-army men and redhead’s unit.
6: Training montage set to “Bang A Gong”. Yeah.
7: Action. Explosions.
8: Cobra rises.
9: End of movie.

Yeah. As you can tell, the main focal points of the movie are “Action” and “Sienna Miller’s Boobs”. That might be good enough for the horny 12-year-olds of today or just anyone looking for entertainment, but if you are actually looking for a good movie, you must avoid this at all costs.

Am I getting across how bad this movie is yet? I’m not? Well, let me try to explain it again. Try putting your hand on a hot stove, headphones playing a super-high-pitched, ear-bleeding test sound on your ears with supposedly “witty” banter cutting in every now and then, and your feet on a bed of hungry piranhas. Then try to eat a lead pipe while staring at a picture of boobs and an explosion drawn by a 5-year-old. You would have more fun then you would have with this movie. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if the script was by a 5-year-old…

If you want to be mindlessly entertained without having to worry about anything but explosions and boobs, this is the movie for you. If you want even the littlest bit of intelligence, you will not like this movie. I hate myself for wasting the money and time to see this when I could just have jacked-off to the trailer and had more fun.

Oh, and I thought Sienna Miller was super hot in this movie.

GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra gets a 1 out of 5.